friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.