once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Lol.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Lunatics are gonna loon.