Guantanamo Bae
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
#parenting
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
it was a valiant fight
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*