Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.