Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Brother?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
TEETH IS INNOCENT
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die