[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Time heals everything 🙂
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough