Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me if I was a dog
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.