“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
May never get over this
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
What number SPF blocks people?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover