My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
new shirt idea
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*