Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
He just like my cat fr
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
#JohnTravolta
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.