[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it