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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”