The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.