Am I having a stroke?
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I can’t wait!
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?