extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”