“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
God has abandoned us.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
courtroom exchange of the day
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290