Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Good dog. ❤️
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born