*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.