me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you