I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
and this one
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza