My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?