[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Admin smashed it 😂
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?