Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
me when I see my crush
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.