My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I gave up going to work for lent.