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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
So we got a goldfish…