Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
You Might Also Like
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.