At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
the council will decide your fate
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late