Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
*seductively corrects your posture*