[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier