When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Meow
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
A roof is a house hat.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: