WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My neck, my back, my…
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.