Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Real House Wines.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same