Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend