I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.