“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
What the hell happened here.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.