My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*