the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.