Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.