This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.