[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Real House Wines.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.