I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?