BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.