PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
You Might Also Like
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I love wikipedia
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.