Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.