I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.