Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business