Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
What?!?
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice