Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I want to meet the individual who made this
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”