“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.