Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Fries, not lies.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?